Today when I got home from work, I went to sit on my couch to relax after a long day at the office. Except my couch was covered in dog hair. I hate that! I usually just take a pillow and whoosh all the dog hair off the couch. This seems disgusting to most. "Wait, does he just leave the dog hair on the floor after he gets it off the couch?" Yes. I do. Which makes me wonder why I only wear black socks. Maybe I should change that. Anyway, I was really annoyed with the dog hair, i'm fed up. I don't want the dog on the couch. But then I smelt the couch because it stank. Like....dog. I could only smell 20% couch, 80% dog. Or at least thats how it seemed. It may have been 25% couch. So now i'm mad at the hair AND the smell. I was fed up. So I took a temper tantrum. I grabbed another pillow and began furiously swinging it at the couch like I wanted to kill it, trying to get the rest of the dog hair off. I noticed some hair on the arm of the couch. I couldn't swing down towards it because that would knock it off of the arm and onto the cushion. Pointless. So I swung the pillow upwards at the hair, and ended up missing the arm of the couch and smashing my lamp, which then fell over as the light bulb shorted out after making a bright blue flash.
Now I was really mad. In the back of my mind I knew I needed to vaccuum the couch. But now I had to fix the lamp too. So I stomped into the kitchen to get a lightbulb and noticed there were a bunch of cardboard and some plastic wrappers spread messily on the counter which cluttered things and needed to go in the garbage. This mad me even more mad. There was an open cupboard door, so I kicked it shut, really hard out of anger. It's not that I hadn't seen the mess on the counter in the morning, but after the hair, and the lamp.....you know. So I cleaned that off the counter and went to put it in the garbage. The garbage was bursting full. Now I had to take the garbage out. Greaaaat. So I did that. I came back in and washed off my hands. Now my hands were wet and I needed to dry them off. So I went to get a dry cloth out of the cupboard and pulled the cupboard door right off. Apparently when I kicked it shut, it broke. So I threw the door on top of the fridge. Problem fixed. Then I went about vaccuuming the couch, fixing the lamp, and made myself some macaroni and cheese. Ahhh, temper tantrum over! Now I can relax and watch some tv as I eat! I sat down on my clean couch which smelt especially good now, after I soaked it in febreeze. I usually spill less food all over myself if I put my plate on one of our pillows. That way the food has less distance to travel from the plate to my mouth. So I grabbed a pillow and set my plate on it and began to eat while watching judge judy. Finally someone else with problems. Then I smelt something. Sniff.....sniff sniff. EWW! WHAT in the WORLD is that smell?! I looked down at the pillow that my food was sitting on and it had my dogs anal juices on it!! These are the fluids that leak from her anal glands. AHHHHHH!!!! I almost threw up as I carefully took the pillow and threw it in the bathtub. Then sat back down and waited for my stomach to settle. By the time that happened my macaroni was cold. Freekin macaroni. But I ate it cold anyways, because thats just how it is. I wasn't getting up again to lift another finger. Sometimes you gotta do that kinda thing you know, it helps you feel better. It feels like somehow you are sticking it to the man, or to whatever made all that crap happen to you. The lamp, the cupboard door, the hair, the mess, the anal juices. So you eat the macaroni. And it's cold.....and it sucks. But you are proving a point, you know. By eating the macaroni. Cold.
Then tonight I took maggie for a walk and it sounded like there were spaceships flying all around above my head. SERIOUSLY!!! There were all these weird noises that sounded half like an airplane and half like a spaceship. The sounds were so close theres no way they were planes. Maybe they were spaceships. The things in the spaceships were probably who made my day so problematic. And they were trying to fly at me because they were mad that I ate my macaroni cold.
Other than that I got a wicked deal on skates last night!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Josh, you are hilarous. You need a lint roller. Get Becca to pick you up one at the grocery store the next time she goes. They're like $4. that'll help with the nasty dog hair. :)
You're hilarious!
I think it's funny when people say things like "It sounded like a spaceship" or "This tastes like poo". What sort of reference do people have for these comments? Have they eaten poo? Have they heard spaceships? And if they actually have visited Cape Canaveral to watch a shuttle launch, did the sound they describe as a spaceship sound the same?
I do this all the time. My favorite made-up simile was uttered when I ate a particularly foul pepperoni stick. I said, "This tastes like cancer!" I hope to never know what that is really like.
Post a Comment